A Letter to My Fear

Date: August, 2017

To Mr. Fear,

Address: Somewhere inside me

Contact: Unknown

Firstly, I’d like to say thank you for your time reading my letter. I built up a bravery to find you within myself despite the last times that I had always tried to push you out of my boundary or to defeat you on many occasions you tried to come near me. I got fed up and tired for being in this conflict with you now. Do you know that every time you came near me, you hurt me? You make my heart beating faster, my body trembling, and ruin my plan. So now, please come and confront me after reading this.

Sometimes, I felt really lucky when you weren’t around me. My day would go well and happy. But, most of the times when I have something new and exciting to do, you sneak in and wrap my body around like an anaconda while trying to swallow my head from the top. That’s all I knew about you by feeling. I wasn’t able to see you because of the pain and frustration. You stole most of my energy and positiveness. You are a good escaper and coward I accepted, because you always hit me and run away earlier than Mr. Brave could come and save me. He’s always helpful for my recovering and building updated protection plan against you. Anyway, I always wonder how you can come pass the protection and hurt me. But now! I saw what you look like! Based on descriptions from Mr. Brave and evidences from my observation, I could feel and imagine your face, your body, your eyes, and I’m sure I could guess 99% right about how you look. Oh, I attached a picture of you to you to see yourself, because I knew you don’t have a mirror to see how ugly your own face is. And for your information, please keep in mind that “Your Are Wanted.”

Screen Shot 2018-03-18 at 11.24.09

Eh? Feel good? But I don’t think so. I think you feel some symptoms like your heart beating faster, or maybe your body trembling. You might get shocked with how dreadful you are. Oh! you might have some symptoms like mine too. Keep calm! Don’t panic! Keep listening to me, so that you might get rid of those soon before it spread out bigger and more dreadful. You might follow my experiences if you find it useful. Oh and it’s useful for me, because not only I can see how you look like, I’m scared by you less than before. For your information, this is how I discovered you.

During Merit360 in 2017, I met a young beautiful mom with bright smile and warm heart. I felt weird about her at first. She asked every participant to hold a paper and a pencil. Then, she just told us to close our eyes and be sad in the exciting atmosphere of the great event. I was curious about what was that for. I got confused. I didn’t know what reason should I be sad during that moment. It was just sad when I was told to be sad without reason in the middle of exciting atmosphere (a bit weird, huh?). But suddenly, I saw your present sneaking near me. Mr. Bravery was with me (I don’t know when did he came). Instead of shouting out to him for help, I grab him with both hand and drag him into my chest instead. My heart was beating against Mr. Brave in my chest. I pretended not to see you. I heard many words from that mommy, but while I was seeing you; Fear, I noticed only her word “monster” and “try to see what it is like!”. Oh! Yes! I was thinking that it would be the time for me to grab you and to defeat you with all the revenge desire I have. You came to me and did that horrible pain on me. I felt you. and I dare see you. I keep my resistant until you released me and disappeared by yourself. Then, this young mom asked us to draw you down on the paper. I opened my eyes and drew your ugly portrait. I was proud of myself that I could recognise you. I just wonder why you shed tears. Oh I think you cried of excitement that you could hurt me. I felt so curious for next step to get rid of you! But instead, …

She told me you are a friend! “What?” I thought surprisedly. “Seriously?” I said no word, but bunch of questions boomed in my head.  All I could do was staring at your portrait that I’ve drew. She told us that you might be ugly and dangerous, but what happen if, What If, all this time you’ve tried to be friend and to give help?

I just didn’t know. I’ve just, I’ve just been told to overcome you! People say it’s a must, because you are a dangerous monster to my success. They say Mr. Brave is my true friend, and yes he is. As I grow up, I’ve been presenting myself to people around that I’m stronger to kick you out of myself. Honestly, I faked it! I faked it to them and myself. You are still here inside me! You still can hurt me deep deep inside, deeper than last times. It’s so painful that I barely can resist, but I sealed it. I hided my wound. People might think I could kick you out or lock you in a darkness box somewhere, but I couldn’t! All I did was locking myself in that dark box. I’m wounded and hopeless deep inside. I’ve tried my best to hide myself from you, but you always found me, and hurt me even more painful. So do you think she’s right? Do you think you are a friend who wanted to help with all kind of these?

Or, or maybe I just pretended not to accept your existence to be a friend. Am I right?

While looking at your portrait, I was so sad that I still lied even to myself till this moment. I hated you for that! People expected me to be a strong hero for other, and I did it well with my best. But, but I even could not save myself from this. “Fear, you make me feel that I’m useless, and I accept it now.” I said to myself inside my mind. I shed no tear, but I was crying inside me. So weak and wounded.

Mr. Brave left from my chest. He hugged and comforted me:

“Hey my dear! You are cool! You are strong, intelligent, and well-prepared! We could not have done that better for all those years if it was not your guiding me what to do.”

“I didn’t! I didn’t know any steps in guiding you for all these years. I just, no no! It was just Fear that his wicked actions on me taught me lessons! I just don’t want to get hurt by him anymore and to hurt someone under his effect. I just got feeling or instinct that helped me to think about ideas either I should do this or do that for the success in all these years.” I replied frustratedly.

“It’s you who did this! It’s from your head! I meant the ideas! You are intelligent with your solutions ideas.” He continued.

“I don’t know! Many negatives thoughts and fear were there get stuck inside my head every time after Fear hurts me. I’m exhausted and hurt. I saw nightmares about my family, my friend, my work every time I attempted to do something new. And that’s the way I think about solution to prevent those nightmare to happen. ” I said.

And by that time, that mom said something which shook my mind: “What if those monsters tried to warn you to be cautious on what you are doing? What if they just tried to protect you from failing your work while they might not know they hurt you?”

I just couldn’t believe that! It was like I was woken from my deep sleep. Many old memories raced to explode in my head. Now I knew it! I knew it! My mom sometimes told her fears about me! She wants to protect me, as same as you Mr. Fear! Now I understand why you cried while you were hurting me. You knew you gonna hurt me! You knew I will feel bad with all those nightmares. But, you still use your energy to suck my memory back for me, so that I can be more cautious and better-prepared for the challenges in this big world outside. You wrapped me around with your snake body to make sure I wont escape from my responsibility to see, to think, and to care about people around that might get negative effects from my decision and action. I understood you intention now clearly. And I’m really happy to have a secret friend like you!

But you have hurt me so badly all these years. You need to pay back what you have done!

That’s why “You Are Wanted” by me!

Come and face me! So that I can introduce you to my friend; Mr. Brave!

Come and heal me! So that I won’t get wound anymore! And because you are responsible for this pain.

Come and help me! So that I will be able to create something great for myself and other people!

I promise I will be a good boy, no fighting back, for you to help me.

I will endure the pain that you might give me unintentionally, but please also heal it from now on, so I won’t be wounded anymore.

Come and stay behind me! So that I will have a strong protection. (Mr. Brave will protect me from the front side.)

I failed to defeat you, but I hope I will succeed to make you my friend.

I appreciate that you’ve been here with me all these year, and I’m sorry for being so stupid and strong-headed. I’m grateful for your present here with me. Your friend request to me is accepted.

You can visit me anytime you think necessary or want to.

Sincerely Yours,

Seyhassneth HENG

P.S: Oh Mr. Fear! If you want to quarrel with, or thank, or consult with that lovely mom, my Merit Mom, Here is her name and Contact.

Mrs. Emily Eldredge Torres

Speaker-Inovator-Executive Couch-Creator of the Drawing Out Process-Discoverer of emPowers & exPowers.

Twitter: @EmilyInternatl

Website: emilyinternational.com

She will welcome you with warm smile and hug and hug and hug and hug x n time

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