Today, while I was unable to think about any topic to write down, I looked into the reflection from my laptop. I saw someone. Despite my tiredness, I gave him a smile. And suddenly I found a topic.
Smile is a gift for me! My mom told me I have the best smile among my sibling. I looked into the mirror and try smiling differently. I just found my eye completely lost under my eye-lit, hole on each cheek, and lines on my forehead, and a long curved-up mouth. I don’t know why my mom said that. It makes me feel awkward and proud at the same time. Later on, I was told that I’m a friendly boy with a nice smile. And yes, I felt so happy about those compliments, which became my incentive to smile. As time goes on, I have kept smiling everyday to people around me even despite my real feeling. Then, people define this smile as a mask to hide your true colour, and I found out that many people do it. They hide their wound and despair inside and hold it to themselves.
When I was 17, I used to answered to myself when I was really sad and despaired. “You are such a dump! Smile is a sign of happiness, proaction, positiveness, and energy, but now! now you are not happy, but why you need to smile? for what?” I could not answer it, and I still kept smiling most of the time without knowing the answer. But today I know! I used to try to smile despite my real feeling because of society’s demand and personal desire. For example, My mom want me to be happy and safe, and she cares about me so much. I want her to be relieved about me while I’m trying to handle my wounded feeling myself, but it went nowhere. I got more stressed, lost her trust, and made her even more worried.
I still smile everyday, but now is different. I want to be happy, and everyone does. Despite waiting for some entertainers from outside, I tend to smile to myself in the mirror, my morning, my food, my books, my boring teacher, my friends, strangers, and people around me everyday as possible as I can. Some people still might say it’s a fake mask, but I define it as self-motivation. Why? Can you imagine a picture of you or someone when you are crying and smiling at the same time? (Normally, this kind of state is only when we are so or too excited about something, but I want you to feel when you react really down and despair or even angry with a smile.) You might feel it so weird, freaky or awkward for yourself, maybe funny for other.
But what I want you to know is that please don’t let society defines every piece of you! (at least you must obey the law) Let’s define that when we are down, we need help, support, energy and care. We ourselves are the first person to provide it, then tell people who you trust the real feeling. Smile is a free self-motivation. Motivation is the energy to push us to stand strong. So, let’s define that “I smile because I want to motivate myself to go through the challenges of live. I don’t hide my feeling with a smile, but I might try to show it with a smile.”
At the same time, I thank to my beloved team member; Ms. Aelaf for her one question during the life-changing Merit360 program: “Despite the tiring activities, where did all those energy come from for you to smile to us so warmly?” This is it. And as extra reason, It’s because you all are so amazing and inspiring people. I heard your story and it’s power for me to feel motivated. I got the energy from you all.
So I give a smile to gain some energy.